So I've been a little quiet on my blog/youtube channel over the last couple of weeks and I just wanted to do a really quick update as to why...I think you can all guess that reason behind this....good old depression! Yay depression...you strike again! Well done. Sarcasm aside, I've been really trying to sort things out but there's just been the usual crap (boys, work, friends etc) that has made me spiral recently (despite it being my birthday 2 weeks ago...) I did actually phone a therapy place that my Doctor recommended but had a god awful incident that I complained about to her this week. She's sending a strongly worded letter and getting them to call me and apologise/set up a meeting as we both think therapy would be incredibly helpful for me (I need to sort root issues out really) I've also been put on some anti-depressants this week, which will be interesting. I'm not sure how well they will work but I will pretty much try anything to feel even just a little bit happy for once.
Depression is such a weird thing to try and describe to someone who has never had it. As much as I really want to blog/film videos the very thought of actually doing something that I don't HAVE to do just bums me out really. But then I get stressed out when I haven't done anything on my blog/youtube channel and that bums me out more! I've got a good annoyance cycle going on I think you'll agree! Haha! I'm kind of hoping that these pills will help with my anxiety too, which has been a real issue recently and has mildly started to affect my work just enough for me to have noticed. The usual boy issues are also playing a major factor in my somewhat downward spiral and the worst thing of all is how easy it all appears to be to sort out. It's utterly ridiculous to know how to effectively sort something out but just feel so overwhelmed with it all. I started to sort out my paperwork at work today and even that simple task took my whole shift to finish and even then I don't think I really sorted it all properly. I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed at work, like I don't really know what I'm doing and that I have no control over stock issues and stuff like that. It's pretty ridiculous but I really do try and take pride in my work and when there are things I can't sort out, it stresses me out a lot. The one thing I'm hanging on to right now is the fact that I haven't self-harmed in 2 months now but it's really really difficult to not just slip into old habits. I know it's not a huge achievement but it's something I can be proud of a little bit at least! I hope to keep this up but it's like a craving (similar to craving cigarettes when you're trying to quit I would guess....I've never smoked so I wouldn't know!) that does get stronger when I get more upset. But we'll see how that goes won't we? I always feel like such a downer when I post stuff like this on my blog but I kind of figure that a) it's my blog so I can post what I want on it and b) maybe by me typing this, it might help someone else if that makes any sense? Like....someone might realise they aren't alone in feeling like this. I think the feeling of being alone in your fight is the one thing I hate the most. Because even when people are nice about it, I always feel like I'm putting so much on them by talking about it, which is ridiculous really!
Anyway, enough about that....I really will be getting back to a proper blogging schedule soon hopefully. I've got loads of bits to review/waffle about and obviously have a little bit of a birthday stash to get excited about too!
Hope you're all ok and not too annoyed with my frequent absences...
Until next time,