This is quite a personal post that I've been thinking about putting up for a while now, but I fear it might come across as me being some sort of bitch for pointing out someones faults within a relationship, but I feel that it is a very therapeutic way for me to clear my mind and pour out a tiny bit of my soul in order to be free of the past (cheesy sounding I know right?!)
This week I've been spending time with a couple of my girl friends because they are both going through semi-tough and really tough times with their respective partners, and it got me thinking about my current situation. Things ended with my ex-boyfriend (first and only boyfriend FYI) about a 2 years ago but we continued seeing each other for about a year and a half afterwards without ever being 'official', which made me paranoid and weird and when you add severe depression into the mix with someone who doesn't really seem to give a shit about you, then it all sort of explodes. This is not a good way to end things with someone and it all ended very badly in March this year (after having not seen him since my birthday) with me calling him a cowardly twat and, after detailing why I thought this, I never heard from him again (until a few weeks ago, which was a tad confusing and it's what got me started on this whole thing really!) (Long and short of it was, he'd been stringing me along and starting up with some new girl with him texting me intimately the day he got together with her 'properly'. What a classic.)
When things ended I did the usual self-doubting thing, the weird wanting to know stuff thing and the finding out that everything I'd had suspicions about was true thing (that was a fun time). The main thing I took from this experience is that I'm so much stronger than I was 6 months ago because I managed to get through the rough first month without self-harming at all. A huge achievement for me! The more I thought about it the more I realised that I was in danger of doing that thing where you forget people's bad points and only start to remember the good points and I couldn't allow myself to do that as this guy had done some pretty horrible things really. I trusted him with certain fears and at one point during an argument he threw one of my biggest fears in my face and I've never been more hurt by someone in my entire life I don't think. Now then, I am in no way pretending that I'm perfect or anything like that, because I am in no way perfect what so ever, but I know this (I can literally list all my faults if anyone needs me too!) I'm still not sure he takes any responsibility for any of the stuff that happened between us and always used to twist it round to be back on me and my depression. I will never know if he does or not and, to be quite honest, I think I'm really not that fussed about finding out.
Anyway, today after work, we sat in the pub and made lists about different things. Mine was about being single vs being with my ex-boyfriend, as slipping into the 'yeah but...(followed by a 'he was really good when it came to x, y and z)' is way too easy to do if you're having a blah kind of day.... (I don't mean this to be a scathing post about my ex as he did have his good points but I think it's good to write down the bad as well as the good....and unfortunately there is more bad than good with my first relationship attempt!)
Things I don't like about being single:
- I miss the intimacy....both physically and emotionally - snuggling up on the sofa and watching a film is a big loss I think!
- Hanging out with someone you can (theoretically) be completely yourself with.
- Sharing your day with someone.
- Having someone to be there for you when you feel a bit crap in general.
- Having someone to text random things to.
Things I like about being single:
- I've done waaaay more exciting and different stuff since being single than I ever did when dating (which I think should be the other way around but there you go!)
- No waiting around all day only to get a text at 6pm to say he won't be over today (no shit Sherlock!)
- No more emotional blackmail.
- No more being made to feel like my depression is a burden (I've had AMAZING support from my friends since being more open about my depression and how I'm feeling since just before Christmas. And they were all so good when I started my anti-depressants and was a bit all over the place for a month or so)
- No more being made to feel like I'm not good enough to invite to 'friends only' kind of parties (new years, birthdays etc - even when we were properly dating!)
- I go out to dinner way more and have fun when I'm out to dinner instead of feeling like it's a waste of time.
- No more finding out weird lies about myself (my favourite was that we split because I didn't like sex....dude, I worked in Ann Summers....no ones believing that lie!)
- No more waiting on presents that never come (Apparently my birthday present from this year was 'really awesome!' though....if it existed of course...)
- No more having to pretend to be wooed into sex.
- No more incredibly boring and predictable behaviour in the bedroom.
- No more over analysing everything I've said or done.
- No more constantly checking my phone for replies that never come (no one is THAT busy to reply)
- I've really sat and thought about the things I need to tweak in order to have a nice healthy relationship next time round but also the things that I would never put up with from anyone else again (boyfriend or friend)
- No more having to spoon when I don't want to.
- No more feeling like I'm barely even important to someone.
- No more having pizza every time I went over or bbq sauce with every damn meal.
- No blatant lies that he'd get caught up in and then try and backtrack on.
- No more pretend support that disappears as soon as something a bit more uncomfortable comes up (I get that no one really likes to know that a loved one self harms, but your loved one doesn't enjoy being told to 'shh' when getting upset about it. I know it was meant in a nice way, but it wasn't a great way to deal with that situation)
- No more not talking about my feelings for fear of making someone else uncomfortable.
- No more false promises.
- No more lack of respect.
- No more hearing what his friends say about stuff and him blindly agreeing in order to fit in.
- No more lack of communication. Honesty really is the best policy even if it might not be something that fun to hear.
- No more having to watch anything on TV when eating dinner. How about we chat instead yeah?
- No more mixed signals.
- No more irresponsible behaviour.
- Not having to pretend to like his friends when I really didn't like them at all. One even asked me if I'd have sex with him, assuring me that my ex (who was actually still my boyfriend at the time...) would 'never find out...I promise' After a resounding 'Good God no. No. No...Never in a million years!' this guy was no longer nice to or about me at all I believe. Good friend there.
- No more listening to him complain about having no money and then having to listen as he told me about the new iPad/3DTV/Motorbike he'd got on finance.
- There are a lot of other things I won't miss but I don't think it's fair to make a list of small irritating things that are a bit petty (for example expecting me to be smooth but not shaving his own stubble....)
So for me at the moment, being single is a great thing. I really do enjoy the fact that I have done some many things in the last few months that I would never have done for fear of missing out on a day when he was free (I was an utter doormat really wasn't I??) and it feels good to try something new without being mocked for it or anything like that. I'm not ruling out a relationship ever again or anything like that, but making this list made me realise that a) I'm pretty sure I'm almost completely over this guy because I have no feelings of anger or love for him....more just pity for my younger self really and b) I'm not interested in going out of my way to meet someone new either. I'm not saying that if the right person came along that I would turn them down in order to enjoy single life, but I know that I wouldn't repeat some of the horrendous mistakes I made last time and I sure as hell wouldn't allow anyone to treat me the way my ex did. I'm realising that actually, I'm not a bad person, not everything is my fault and some people actually quite like me for who I am (mental illness and all!)
I'm going to leave it there and let you guys tell me if you think this post is a bit too harsh or bitchy or whatever and go to bed. Big day tomorrow and I need my beauty sleep badly!!
Until next time,