Thursday, 8 August 2013

Reasons why I'm definitely preferring to be single at the moment!

Hello!

This is quite a personal post that I've been thinking about putting up for a while now, but I fear it might come across as me being some sort of bitch for pointing out someones faults within a relationship, but I feel that it is a very therapeutic way for me to clear my mind and pour out a tiny bit of my soul in order to be free of the past (cheesy sounding I know right?!)

This week I've been spending time with a couple of my girl friends because they are both going through semi-tough and really tough times with their respective partners, and it got me thinking about my current situation. Things ended with my ex-boyfriend (first and only boyfriend FYI) about a 2 years ago but we continued seeing each other for about a year and a half afterwards without ever being 'official', which made me paranoid and weird and when you add severe depression into the mix with someone who doesn't really seem to give a shit about you, then it all sort of explodes. This is not a good way to end things with someone and it all ended very badly in March this year (after having not seen him since my birthday) with me calling him a cowardly twat and, after detailing why I thought this, I never heard from him again (until a few weeks ago, which was a tad confusing and it's what got me started on this whole thing really!) (Long and short of it was, he'd been stringing me along and starting up with some new girl with him texting me intimately the day he got together with her 'properly'. What a classic.)

When things ended I did the usual self-doubting thing, the weird wanting to know stuff thing and the finding out that everything I'd had suspicions about was true thing (that was a fun time). The main thing I took from this experience is that I'm so much stronger than I was 6 months ago because I managed to get through the rough first month without self-harming at all. A huge achievement for me! The more I thought about it the more I realised that I was in danger of doing that thing where you forget people's bad points and only start to remember the good points and I couldn't allow myself to do that as this guy had done some pretty horrible things really. I trusted him with certain fears and at one point during an argument he threw one of my biggest fears in my face and I've never been more hurt by someone in my entire life I don't think. Now then, I am in no way pretending that I'm perfect or anything like that, because I am in no way perfect what so ever, but I know this (I can literally list all my faults if anyone needs me too!) I'm still not sure he takes any responsibility for any of the stuff that happened between us and always used to twist it round to be back on me and my depression. I will never know if he does or not and, to be quite honest, I think I'm really not that fussed about finding out.

Anyway, today after work, we sat in the pub and made lists about different things. Mine was about being single vs being with my ex-boyfriend, as slipping into the 'yeah but...(followed by a 'he was really good when it came to x, y and z)' is way too easy to do if you're having a blah kind of day.... (I don't mean this to be a scathing post about my ex as he did have his good points but I think it's good to write down the bad as well as the good....and unfortunately there is more bad than good with my first relationship attempt!)

Things I don't like about being single:


  • I miss the intimacy....both physically and emotionally - snuggling up on the sofa and watching a film is a big loss I think!
  • Hanging out with someone you can (theoretically) be completely yourself with.
  • Sharing your day with someone.
  • Having someone to be there for you when you feel a bit crap in general.
  • Having someone to text random things to.
Things I like about being single:

  • I've done waaaay more exciting and different stuff since being single than I ever did when dating (which I think should be the other way around but there you go!)
  • No waiting around all day only to get a text at 6pm to say he won't be over today (no shit Sherlock!)
  • No more emotional blackmail.
  • No more being made to feel like my depression is a burden (I've had AMAZING support from my friends since being more open about my depression and how I'm feeling since just before Christmas. And they were all so good when I started my anti-depressants and was a bit all over the place for a month or so)
  • No more being made to feel like I'm not good enough to invite to 'friends only' kind of parties (new years, birthdays etc - even when we were properly dating!)
  • I go out to dinner way more and have fun when I'm out to dinner instead of feeling like it's a waste of time.
  • No more finding out weird lies about myself (my favourite was that we split because I didn't like sex....dude, I worked in Ann Summers....no ones believing that lie!)
  • No more waiting on presents that never come (Apparently my birthday present from this year was 'really awesome!' though....if it existed of course...)
  • No more having to pretend to be wooed into sex.
  • No more incredibly boring and predictable behaviour in the bedroom.
  • No more over analysing everything I've said or done.
  • No more constantly checking my phone for replies that never come (no one is THAT busy to reply)
  • I've really sat and thought about the things I need to tweak in order to have a nice healthy relationship next time round but also the things that I would never put up with from anyone else again (boyfriend or friend)
  • No more having to spoon when I don't want to.
  • No more feeling like I'm barely even important to someone.
  • No more having pizza every time I went over or bbq sauce with every damn meal.
  • No blatant lies that he'd get caught up in and then try and backtrack on.
  • No more pretend support that disappears as soon as something a bit more uncomfortable comes up (I get that no one really likes to know that a loved one self harms, but your loved one doesn't enjoy being told to 'shh' when getting upset about it. I know it was meant in a nice way, but it wasn't a great way to deal with that situation)
  • No more not talking about my feelings for fear of making someone else uncomfortable.
  • No more false promises.
  • No more lack of respect.
  • No more hearing what his friends say about stuff and him blindly agreeing in order to fit in.
  • No more lack of communication. Honesty really is the best policy even if it might not be something that fun to hear.
  • No more having to watch anything on TV when eating dinner. How about we chat instead yeah?
  • No more mixed signals.
  • No more irresponsible behaviour.
  • Not having to pretend to like his friends when I really didn't like them at all. One even asked me if I'd have sex with him, assuring me that my ex (who was actually still my boyfriend at the time...) would 'never find out...I promise' After a resounding 'Good God no. No. No...Never in a million years!' this guy was no longer nice to or about me at all I believe. Good friend there.
  • No more listening to him complain about having no money and then having to listen as he told me about the new iPad/3DTV/Motorbike he'd got on finance.
  • There are a lot of other things I won't miss but I don't think it's fair to make a list of small irritating things that are a bit petty (for example expecting me to be smooth but not shaving his own stubble....)

So for me at the moment, being single is a great thing. I really do enjoy the fact that I have done some many things in the last few months that I would never have done for fear of missing out on a day when he was free (I was an utter doormat really wasn't I??) and it feels good to try something new without being mocked for it or anything like that. I'm not ruling out a relationship ever again or anything like that, but making this list made me realise that a) I'm pretty sure I'm almost completely over this guy because I have no feelings of anger or love for him....more just pity for my younger self really and b) I'm not interested in going out of my way to meet someone new either. I'm not saying that if the right person came along that I would turn them down in order to enjoy single life, but I know that I wouldn't repeat some of the horrendous mistakes I made last time and I sure as hell wouldn't allow anyone to treat me the way my ex did. I'm realising that actually, I'm not a bad person, not everything is my fault and some people actually quite like me for who I am (mental illness and all!)

I'm going to leave it there and let you guys tell me if you think this post is a bit too harsh or bitchy or whatever and go to bed. Big day tomorrow and I need my beauty sleep badly!!

Until next time,
xoxo

6 comments:

  1. Well I really don't want to be in a relationship now haha. That was a really interesting post though. I'm glad you've gained something good from such a shite experience. He seems like a twat and his friends really represent him well too :P Feck it, you are a lovely person and you don't deserve to be tied down especially not with that arse of a fella. Best of luck with your big day :D

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    1. Haha! Don't look at it that way....apparently some relationships are based on mutual respect, trust and understanding, not all of them are arses! Thanks for the lovely comment, I was a bit worried about posting it so it's nice to have such a lovely comment to make me feel better :) xxx

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  2. Hi Robyn, i loved this post! i'm going through a similar thing right now.. or have been for most of this year and just reading your pros and cons about being single has actually made me think, 'yeah.. you're right' and there's so much i can relate to :) i thought i was struggling being single but i actually feel inspired to embrace it and just go along with it.. no expectations and just have fun :) thanks for the post. you seem like a lovely girl and deserve to be treated well, all the best! x

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    1. Hi Nika, glad you loved the post! My suggestion is to get out of your current situation asap if it's similar to my situation honestly. I know how hard it can be though when you care for the person as you don't want to break all ties for fear of being lonely and stuff, but it honestly was the best thing that ever happened to me. When you write down a list so it's in black and white and in front of you whenever you need to remind yourself, it makes it SO much easier to realise why it's not such a bad thing to be single vs being with a douchebag!! Having fun is the real key thing I think. If you're not having fun then it's time to think about why you aren't having fun and see what you can do about it :) Everyone deserves to be treated well and that includes you Nika! Don't let someone get you down and make you feel crappy about yourself, you're better than that and seem so lovely so you deserve more! Thanks for the compliments, that's really kind of you and has cheered me up, so thank you :) Hope you have lots of fun with no expectations! Feel free to email me if you ever want to rant or anything ok? xxx

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    2. Thanks Robyn, i'll definitely keep that in mind. it gets easier each day but you're right, i really do need to break that tie! it's just so hard and we always seem to hold on even if it's by the thread but i really think i need to cut that rope. thanks again :)
      p.s on a different note, i havent even gone through all the goodies you sent over from the blog swap, there's just too much! haha x

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    3. It is incredibly tough to break ties with someone you've cared about so much. Making the list really did help me an awful lot, and I did have a pros part to it as well....the cons just outweighed the pros a hell of a lot!

      Haha! Glad you're still going through it all!! If you ever fancy doing a swap again, let me know as it was so much fun to do! (that papaw stuff is a standard in my bag now!!) xxx

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