Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Things I don't miss from being utterly mental....


So you know me by now, I love putting out a bit of a personal post every now and then (possibly more than I do makeup posts at the moment actually!) Anyway, this month marks a year as the first full month that I took antidepressants willingly. Over the course of a year I have moved from 10mg up to 30mg and over the last few days I've considered heading back to the doctors to up my dosage again after a few disappointments had knocked me back a bit. I'm going to see how the next week or so goes before making an appointment as today I've spent some of my day making a list of things I don't miss about being mental (I call myself mental because I always think it sounds better than saying I have depression as SO many people use that word when in reality they're just a bit sad at the time and it kind of annoys me for some reason!) Writing this list made me feel a hell of a lot better about how I am now and made me realise that although I may feel a bit down today, that doesn't mean my depression has come back in full force...it might just be a bit of a down day, and that's ok! I thought I'd type the list up because some of them made me laugh and some made me a bit sad, but I've found that by sharing my struggles with depression I've managed to help a few people feel less alone and if I have to make a bit of a tit of myself to do that, then so be it!

Ok so here goes....I don't miss:

1. having to always wear long sleeves to cover my arms from the prying eyes that might notice fresh wounds. There's nothing worse than being really warm but not even feeling like you can roll up your sleeves for fear of having to talk about why you have a plaster on.

2. staying at home for fear of having new experiences that I may not like. Who knows....I might have liked lots of things if I'd said yes!

3. feeling utterly mental over people not texting back. Especially if we were romantically involved. It's probably the only thing I'd say sorry to my ex about because, despite pre-warning him at the very beginning that I was utterly mental, I don't think anyone deserved the bombardment of texts I'd send sometimes. I mean, don't get me wrong, if you have time to fuck about on facebook on your phone then you bloody well have time to text me back about our plans, but if I text someone and they don't reply within an hour, then that's ok (unless we have plans. If you text me at 6pm and you were suppose to be at mine for 2pm and you don't have a valid excuse....then I'll think you're a rude fuckwit. Simple as that!)

4. eating all the chocolate in sight for no reason. Chocolate should be enjoyed, not comfort eaten.

5. being defensive all the time.

6. spending my entire days off watching films and napping and then crying a lot.

7. the crying. Seriously the crying. It ruins my face as my tears are SUPER salty or something, and it just ends up making me feel crap.

8. thinking that people didn't like me, even though they'd show me frequently that they did.

9. feeling like I was utterly inferiour to everyone else in every way.

10. letting myself be put down by people who were suppose to care for you.

11. not caring about what I did.

12. not caring about who I was around. If I could I'd go back in time to when my ex broke up with me, I'd be strong enough to walk away completely. The most damaging thing I will ever experience is being made to feel like EVERYTHING was my fault because I had depression. I can't even explain how upset some memories still make me sometimes if I let them. A simple "sorry" would probably solve an awful lot now to be honest, but I know that'll never happen and that still sucks a bit. I'm working on those feelings though as they can't hang around forever thanks!

13. feeling like I couldn't be myself as people might think I'm weird. I am weird, and that's ok!

14. feeling like people would judge me if they found out about my depression. If people judge me now then that's their problem not mine.

15. feeling like everyone was staring at me. I missed out on a lot of good outfits and dancing because I feared that people would be watching and judging. You know what? Some people probably are. But who cares? I don't know them so as long as I'm having fun then what's the point in worrying!!!

So there are 15 things I don't miss about the real depths of my depression. I hope if any of you are struggling with any form of mental health issue that you have someone to talk to. If not please feel free to email me anytime (even if I may not have the answers, I'm happy to be a friendly ear to listen if you need it)

Until next time,

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